I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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