You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
