Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
What drink are we having for lunch?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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