fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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