Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
