If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This is my gift to your gina
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
