Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
