Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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