Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
