Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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