My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
