i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
