Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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