i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
