i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
