every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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