Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
