Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
