Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
