When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
