What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just had sex on a roof
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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