i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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