Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
