As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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