i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
