he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
