mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
