after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
