i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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