I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
