White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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