At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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