My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
