you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
