He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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