bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
