Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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