1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
