dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
