I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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