Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
