There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
