watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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