I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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