i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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