i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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