she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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