If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
