so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
