Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
