My liver just broke up with me...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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