My cat gives me a boner
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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