I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
