I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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