Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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